Lions Brass Find Suh’s Cap Charge All Sizzle and No Steak

Breaking – in a developing story out of Allen Park, unnamed team sources say that Detroit Lions staff have just about had enough of Ndamukong Suh’s 9.7 million dollar cap charge and its inability to make plays along the defensive front seven. Reports indicate that despite the nigh-infinite patience afforded Suh’s contractually obligated payments by the coaching staff, the highest paid asset on Detroit’s defensive ledger has failed to make a single play in training camp or the entire pre-season. Now, on the eve of the 2015 NFL season defensive coordinator Teryl Austin has told the massive afterbirth of Suh’s 2013 contract restructure that it’s time to either put up some results or Austin will find someone else to start at defensive tackle.

According to IcePuckChic’s Lion Insider, Yucant Makethisshitup, the Detroit coaching staff has brought their complaints directly to the office of Lions general manager Martin Mayhew. Their many grievances against Suh’s cap charge include, but are not limited to:

  • Ted RathSuh’s contract no longer seems to take practice seriously and didn’t even bother to attend the team’s offseason strength and conditioning program this year. According to coordinator of physical development Jason Arapoff, nobody in the Lions organization has seen Suh pick up a weight since last season ended. Furthermore strength and conditioning coach Ted Rath says Suh has only responded to his requests to hit the Lions weight room by text message and even then only to say “are you for real, bruh?” repeatedly. Suh has apparently since blocked Rath’s number.
  • Suh has also broken off all contact with the team doctor and taken the unusual step of asking the NFL to charge the Lions with tampering after they requested his medical records from his new physician. Although Austin has said he’s “not worried that Suh might be injured, it would still be nice to have access to the records so we can check on our highest paid defensive player’s offseason progression before the season starts.”
  • The star defensive tackle’s cap charge has even withdrawn from team social activities and family gatherings. Defensive captain Stephen Tulloch has been quoted in local newspapers as saying “he doesn’t see Suh so much anymore” and that the defensive tackle is never up for “doing things around town during the week” these days. Fellow defensive lineman Ziggy Ansah was quoted as saying “I would like to renegotiate my contract immediately” before admitting that he too “misses the old Suh and avoiding triple teams on the outside edge.”
  • GuntherOn the field, things are no better for Suh’s cap hit as defensive line coach Jim Washburn has called the 9.7 million dollar investment “a complete waste of money” and “a giant gaping hole in our defense.” Reports also indicated that senior defensive coaching assistant Gunther Cunningham approached GM Mayhew about the problem and suggested that starting Suh’s contractual obligations at DT was “like trying to win with only 10 players out on the field.” Our sources indicated that Mayhew was apoplectic and replied “oh for fuck’s sake Gunther, go get your motherfucking shine box and get the fuck out of my office before I let Haloti Ngata kill and eat your wrinkled kraut ass.”
  • The final straw however may have been when defensive quality control coach Steven Williams apparently spotted Suh dancing at a Miami nightclub on television last night. Although Williams refused to provide further comment, a guy who knows a guy whose sister has Lions season tickets told IcePuckChic that “Suh has a lot of nerve parading around South Beach while the rest of his teammates are sweating it out in Allen Park.” The man then added, “I guess 9.7 million just isn’t enough to buy work ethic and loyalty anymore.”

Martin Mayhew, Tom LewandAttempts to reach Lions general manager Martin Mayhew for comment on this story have been largely unsuccessful as Mayhew is no longer taking our calls. Prior to breaking off contact however, he was quoted as saying “Who the fuck is this? Thompson? You trolling mutherfucker I will fucking get you for this, I hope Jordy Nelson gets an MRSA infection and sues your fucking team into the ground asshole” before abruptly hanging up.

There was no word on whether the Lions were also unhappy with Chris Houston’s 3.9 million dollar cap charge this offseason, despite the veteran contract extension failing to register a defensive stat of any kind since week 14 of the 2013 NFL season.

  • Nina Illingworth