Breaking – all eyes are on Pittsburgh, PA this evening as unnamed league sources have confirmed that the Pittsburgh Steelers are demanding an NFL investigation of the New England Patriots for multiple unwritten rules violations, excessive use of the tight end position and general play-calling chicanery. Although much of the national media attention has been focused on electrical problems with the Steelers headsets, the team has apparently submitted a laundry list of complaints to embattled NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in the aftermath of the Patriots 28-21 week one victory at Foxborough Stadium. League officials refused to return our calls, but after several hours of sifting through Adam Shefter’s home garbage, IcePuckChic has uncovered at least some of the Pittsburgh accusations:
On multiple defensive snaps in goal line situations, the Patriots executed an obscure maneuver known only to small children who play Madden called “a defensive line shift” – timed perfectly with quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s snap cadence. Although the shift was technically legal, the Steelers were upset that New England would purposely attempt to draw their line offside at such a crucial point in the game. Furthermore, the team openly questions the legality of New England memorizing and anticipating Big Ben’s snap count in the first place.
- Pittsburgh would also like the league to examine the Patriot’s excessive use of tight end and destroyer of hope Rob Gronkowski in the passing game. Although the Steelers understand that “the big dog has gotta eat”, there is a feeling that the Pats took advantage of Pittsburgh’s complete inability to cover Gronkowski far too often – even hitting the TE for two touchdowns when there wasn’t a single Steelers defender available to provide coverage.
- The Steelers are also frustrated at having to face previously-suspended star QB Tom Brady, after having spent weeks preparing for Pats backup Jimmy Garoppolo. The consensus among Pittsburgh front office staffers is that Tom Brady is way, way better than Jimmy Garoppolo and this provided the Patriots with an unfair advantage on the field.
- There are even some inside the Steelers organization who question why they had to play the Patriots in 2015 at all, arguing that the franchise should have been given the death penalty, both figuratively and literally, after the 2007 Spygate scandal.
Finally, Pittsburgh lodged numerous complaints about the Patriot’s tactics in general; noting that Bill Belichick is always scheming against their formations and disguising plays on both sides of the ball. The Steelers feel that if this “unmanly refusal to put a hand in the dirt and just play fucking football“ isn’t illegal, it most certainly should be.
Although the legal ramifications of Pittsburgh’s request and the NFL’s byzantine public relations department have made it difficult to obtain comments on the Steeler’s official complaint, we sent Insider Notsteely McBeam into the team’s locker room with a hidden microphone for further reactions to the news:
“Well, it just doesn’t seem fair, does it?” said team quarterback “Big” Ben Roethlisberger. “I mean, it’s always something with these guys man. If they aren’t moving a bunch of linemen around before the snap, they’re showing man coverage at the line of scrimmage and then dropping back into the zone. First they say yes you can have the dump off to the flat, then they so no you can’t – playing the Patriots is like trying to fuck college girls, the goalposts are always moving man.”
“Frankly, I’m just fucking sick of Tom fucking Brady” fumed outside linebacker James Harrison. “I mean do you have any idea how demoralizing having to play that asshole is every single year is? He’s got the money, the super model wife, perfect hair, endorsements coming out of his fucking ass – this shit is unreal. The only way to deal with a mutherfucker like that is to put that son of a bitch down in the dirt like Old Yeller – but every fucking time I try, here comes Hitler Goodell with a fine or some shit! I can’t take this shit no more Steely, you best get the fuck out of my grill before I rip that hat off your head and beat you to fucking death with it.”
“I think the thing people need to understand is that these aren’t just sour grapes, this kind of thing has been happening in New England for a very long time” opined Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. “When you have a repeated pattern of lawlessness like you find in the Patriots organization, is any accusation really a bridge too far? Has the NFL asked Tom Brady where he was on 9/11? Have they investigated Ron Gronkowski’s failure to do anything to stop the attack on the US embassy in the Benghazi scandal? Has Bill Belichick served a single day in prison for his role in the 2008 financial crisis? And now you wanna tell me this is a level playing field? Motherfucker please, this shit goes deeper than you can even imagine. Follow the video assistant and you’ll find the Smoking Man – just don’t blame me when the blowback comes McBeam because there’s a lotta bodies buried at 345 Park Avenue my friend.”
Unfortunately, our Insider was unable to relay any further information after being arrested by NFL security and being transported to an unknown ESPN black site facility somewhere near Bristol, CT. We here at IcePuckChic offer our sincerest hopes and prayers to the family of Notsteely McBeam while simultaneously denying all knowledge of any crimes he may have committed.
IcePuckChic was also able to briefly establish contact with Patriot’s Head Coach Bill Belichick to discuss the charges after posing as someone with access to a Buffalo Bill’s playbook. When asked about the accusations leveled by Pittsburgh however, Belichick became agitated and told us “if young Skywalker will not be turned, he must be destroyed” before force-choking our correspondent until he agreed to hang up the phone.
- Nina Illingworth