Patriot Game: Week 3 TNF Pick 2016

Editor’s note: I am having (to put it mildly) something of a terrible week; some combination of real life responsibilities, financial pressures and struggling to finish off a few longer pieces have once again put me behind on this week’s schedule. At this exact moment, the only thing I’m sure about is that there will be an NFL picks column this week and barring further catastrophe, it’ll be out by Saturday morning; in time to place bets if you do that sort of thing – not that I’m suggesting you do that sort of thing; in a legal sense.

In light of this, I’m going to post the Thursday Night Football pick here and now so that anyone who’s interested can get my take on the game before it happens; this excerpt will then become part of the regular column this week, once I release it. I don’t know if this is going to be habit or anything but it seems like a convenient way to keep my readers who enjoy the occasional wager happy while not sacrificing the quality of the article just because I’ve missed a stupid deadline created by the monstrous crime against sport that is Thursday Night Football.

If jokes about the NFL and sports wagering aren’t really your thing, please don’t worry – this post didn’t take the place of anything I’d intended to release at all this week.

Update: due to a shifting line and an earlier typographical error, our pick was mistakenly listed as Pats +1; which would be nice, but to get that line we’d have to have locked in our bet a few days ago. The real line for tonight’s game (and our bet) is PATRIOTS (-1) – sorry for the confusion.

 

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Admit it, you have no idea if this is Jacoby Brissett or not
Admit it, you have no idea if this is Jacoby Brissett or not

PATRIOTS (-1) over Texans:

During last week’s column, I blithely suggested that “New England could promise to hold a bloody punt, pass and kick contest at halftime to see who gets to play quarterback for the rest of the game and I’d still be picking them” – which as it turns out, is precisely what happened last Sunday when the Patriot’s latest attempt at cloning Tom Brady was slammed hard into the dirt and Jimmy “I’m still looking this shit up every time I have to spell it” Garoppolo went down with a fucked up shoulder.

Reports indicate that Garoppolo is technically dressing for this game as the backup QB but that’s pretty much entirely because Bill Belichick is a stone cold mutherfucker with a long, long memory and Jimmy is hoping to someday succeed Tom Brady in New England; he absolutely cannot fucking play after folding his goddamn throwing wing up like that just four days ago and everyone (including the Texans) knows it. Dutifully, I have spent parts of the past three days watching all nine (yes, nine) passes something or someone called Jacoby Brissett threw against Miami last week on loop like every other deranged gambling addict in the country and I can say with some certainty that Brissett is basically terrible; at least for the moment.

This is a problem, because the Patriots are facing off against a devastating pass rush from a Texans front seven that can be best described as a “pack of psycho, fucked-up butchers” who just happen to play football; Brissett’s family should probably consider taking out a goddamn life insurance policy under an assumed name at this point because the rookie is going to get hit hard and often by a defense that knows New England doesn’t have another “real” quarterback available for this game. Don’t expect the run game to help out much either; the Texans defense is vulnerable to speed when they over-pursue but they eat lard-ass power backs like Legarrette Blount for fucking breakfast on the regular – New England is going to have to win this game in the air, with a rookie 3rd-round QB throwing at least twenty-five passes.

The Texans have prepared all summer for this game; they dropped $72M on a goddamn Ent who plays quarterback just because he beat the Patriots in Denver last year, they’ve known for months they wouldn’t have to face Tom Brady and just about everyone on the fucking planet is assuming they’ll get the job done against a team that might seriously be starting Julian Edelman at QB by the fourth quarter.

This is of course, exactly why the Patriots are going to win this game outright on Thursday Night Football after Bill Belichick drags their asses to a “ho-hum” victory through a combination of dark magic, the ritual sacrifice of a practice squad punter and sheer, unbridled assholery.

I told you folks last week, I’m done losing money because I forgot about Dre.

 

Last Week: 8 – 8 – 0

2016 Season: 16 – 16 – 0

 

  • Nina Illingworth

 

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