Editor’s note: this is a special section dedicated to social media screen shots of the most disingenuous, in the tank, completely idiotic media and political drones dropping anti-science on their audience – usually me. Since we opened this section up during the 2016 US Primary Season, this is going to feature quite a few hacks so far in the tank for Clinton that they’ve set up a writing desk in the ammo bay.
Wanted: not even remotely.
Crimes: ridiculously obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, bullshit hot-take smears against Clinton’s opponents, being a straight up goddamn professional propagandist, wearing a fucking Fruit of the Loom T-shirt under a suit coat, I mean have you fucking looked at that guy? Also he was probably in a Death Squad – which might be his most redeeming feature.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – this son of a bitch would kill and eat a baby if he thought it would get him a job in the Clinton White House.
Wanted: presumably by his mother, or she’d have had the goddamn decency to use birth control.
Crimes: ridiculously obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, trolling the internet for comments by Clinton’s opponents so he can pick fights, blasting anyone he doesn’t agree with to his followers so he can pick gang fights, being born, not even being the cool Tom Watson (who is Deputy Leader of the UK Labour Party and at least plays video games), openly and often repeating lies by the Clinton Campaign – I mean for fuck’s sake Tom even Daou knows that less than 1% of all seized guns in NY come from Vermont you sycophant shitheel.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – lets be completely fucking honest, Watson wishes he was half as relevant as Daou but he’s easily Peter’s equal in boot-licking obedience.
Wanted: look, I can’t really win here no matter what I say – so I’m just going to go with “yes.”
Crimes: auditioning for Press Secretary in a Clinton White House since the Spring of 2013, message crafting for Hillary Clinton, being the slightly more attractive version of Grima Wormtongue for Hillary Clinton, being a heinously mendacious person in general, thinking she’s going to be the real life CJ from West Wing when she’s not nearly fucking cool enough to be CJ from West Wing, stealing Peggy Bundy’s hair, dissimulation for Hillary Clinton, message framing for Hillary Clinton, smearing Hillary Clinton’s opponents, retweeting other people who smear Hillary Clinton’s opponents, having so little journalistic integrity that she repeatedly promoted a NY Daily News tabloid smear job, killing a man in Reno just to watch him die… for Hillary Clinton, being obnoxiously smarmy in general.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – to be fair, if it were physically fucking possible for Amanda Marcotte to have Hillary Clinton’s lovechild, I’m pretty sure we’d all be looking at baby pictures of a kid named Hugh already. With that having been noted, Marcotte does spend roughly 1/3 as much time fighting for women’s rights as she does actively misleading the public on behalf of Clinton, so she isn’t a completely worthless human being – just mostly. I mean, she does write for fucking Salon for the love of christ.
Wanted: to play Doctor Eggman in a straight-to-video porno movie entitled “Sonic the Hedge Fund Cock”
Crimes: projecting false neutrality while openly shilling for Hillary Clinton, projecting false neutrality while openly shilling for imperialism, projecting false neutrality while openly mocking campaign finance reform, directly advocating telling lies for political purposes on Twitter, embodying the phrase boot-licking neoliberal colaborator, burning the offices of Initech Incorporated to the ground as part of a longstanding dispute over a Swingline stapler, repeatedly impersonating a journalist, repeatedly insulting actual journalists, message crafting for Hillary Clinton, retweeting other disingenuous hack bloggers who message craft for Hillary Clinton, assuming anyone ever thought he was even slightly fucking funny, seriously positing that the deaths of 161 abused factory workers in Bangladesh were basically okay because “it’s good that different people are able to make different choices on the risk/reward spectrum” – no really, willingly and even gleefully working for a neoliberal shit-weasel like Ezra Klein, pretending anyone who doesn’t like neoliberal economic policies simply doesn’t understand or appreciate neoliberal economic policies, objectively looking like a genetic experiment involving DNA from Jabba the Hutt and a common white egg, actively helping efforts to smear socialist blogger Matt Bruenig after he’d already been fired for (rightfully) calling noted Clinton minion/henchwoman Nera Tanden a scumbag, having all the personality of an IRS 8582 form, keeping a family of Puerto Rican migrants chained up in his basement mining Bitcoins because moral sacrifices are necessary to achieve peak economic performance.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – on one hand I’m tempted to give Matty my sympathies because he’s clearly a highly-functional sociopath who genuinely believes that some day the perfect mixture of neoliberal economic policies can solve most of the world’s problems. On the other hand, he’s also an insufferable douche who thinks wry sarcasm amounts to talking like an annoying extra from Reality Bites and he’s basically the poster boy for replacing real journalists with wonky, idiot bloggers in the mainstream media. Finally of course, those two tweets in support of Fight Song represent an actual hate crime against the human species. In summation, I sincerely hope Yglesias contracts a scorching case of herpes through divine intervention – because lord knows I don’t want to imagine Matty having sex.
Bonus: sharp-eyed Twitter user @404isnotfound noticed that I hadn’t gone far back enough to uncover what is (arguably) Matty Yglesias’s most majestic tweet to date – hat tip for the save:
Wanted: by neoliberals who didn’t “get” John Stewart & all nine voters who still believe in Scott Walker.
Crimes: projecting false neutrality while openly shilling for Hillary Clinton, retweeting other disingenuous hacks who openly shill for Hillary Clinton, message crafting for Hillary Clinton, accusing anyone who opposes Clinton of dividing the Democratic party, pretending that anyone besides his fucking mother gives a shit about his amateur photography, repeatedly comparing Hillary Clinton’s opponents to nutjob neocon failures, joining the long list of middle-age dipshit men who have strong opinions about censorship on college campuses they haven’t visited in over a decade, arguing that not being allowed to vote is not voter suppression, seriously touting Scott Walker’s chances of winning the GOP nomination, throwing shade at John Stewart like anyone told this dissembling pissant it was okay for him to have a legend like Stewart’s name on his mutherfucking lips, defending Bill Clinton’s objectively goddamn racist crime bill, pretending his job manufacturing public support for Hillary Clinton is so strenuous it justifies subjecting the world to his insipid takes on comic books and comic book movies, repeatedly denying the existence of an American socialist movement, trying to grow a Stringer Bell beard and failing miserably, being so self absorbed that he superimposed a second copy of his own fucking face on his Twitter profile photo, making me log out of Twitter to compile this list because he blocked me for calling out his attempts to smear Hillary Clinton’s opponents, his bizarre affectation for checkered button-down shirts, pretending that anyone who doesn’t support Hillary Clinton is racist, was once arrested after a six day jenkem binge in Washington DC that culminated in standing bare-ass naked before a seventeen foot high bronze statue of Ulysses S Grant and repeatedly challenging it to “a duel for the honor of the South.”
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – like many others on this list, Bouie manages to rack up a couple points in his favor by counting coup on zombie Republican scumbags like Mitt Romney and raising awareness about racial injustice towards African Americans. Unfortunately, he then proceeds to take a steaming, fetid shit all over the very concept of journalistic integrity by denying the existence of a socialist movement and repeatedly smearing anyone who opposes noeliberalism in general. Bouie is also an absolute master at framing people who oppose Hillary Clinton in an extremely negative light and then petulantly protesting his own neutrality when publicly called out on his loathsome behavior.
Wanted: has anyone in the entire history of mankind ever actually wanted an economist? Right.
Crimes: pretending Hillary Clinton’s opponents are psychotic abusers whenever they actually try to beat her in an election, repeatedly declaring more than one Primary Season over because Hillary Clinton is in the lead, telling Greenspan to purposely fucking create a housing bubble in 2002 and then lying about why he said that in 2009, openly shilling for Hillary Clinton in not one but two Presidential Primaries, inventing and spreading the myth of Obama Boys, exaggerating and spreading the myth of Bernie Bros, seriously writing a fucking column where he declared himself objectively right about everything, frequently using the words “might” and “maybe” in his columns and then taking a goddamn victory lap every time one of his “predictions” come true – related: has said the Euro “might” be about to collapse at least 11 times as of this writing, auditioning for Chair of the Federal Reserve at every waking moment for the past eight years, that smug ass smile on his face in the one half-decent stock photo the NY Times has of him, being literally the only liberal on earth who can lose a goddamn argument to Niall Ferguson, dressing exactly like every pervy college professor who’s fucking three of his freshman students on the side in a terrible Skinemax flick.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – Krugman spends a tremendous amount of time bashing ridiculously stupid Republicans so that’s a point in his favor. His fans however, are always rubbing his Nobel Prize in your face like a smelly penis and anyone who kisses ass for a born loser like Hillary Clinton for that long – can’t really be all that fucking bright if you think about it.
Wanted: respectfully and from a distance just outside the range of pepper spray.
Crimes: literally accusing anyone who opposes Hillary Clinton of being an anti-feminist and/or a misogynist, openly shilling for Hillary Clinton, message crafting for Hillary Clinton, proudly displaying the title Cosmopolitan senior political writer in her social media profile without a hint of goddamn irony whatsoever, repeatedly attacking Hillary Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, being essentially everything that’s wrong with narcissistic privileged White Feminism, repeatedly touting the fairness and value of a bullshit NY Daily News tabloid smear job on Bernie Sanders that lacked even the slightest fucking hint of journalistic integrity, dressing like a real life mutherfucking Heather, erasing people of color by claiming everyone who opposes Hillary Clinton is white, erasing women by claiming everyone who opposes Hillary Clinton is male, pretending supporters of anyone who opposes Hillary Clinton are domestic fucking terrorists, purposely starting shit with Bernie Sanders supporters online and then crying abuse when they respond, seriously writing a column in which she actually typed “I’d rather not be known as Vibrator Girl” and thereby demonstrated that the Streisand Effect still functions exactly as advertised, repeatedly defending the odious and sexist behavior of Bill Clinton, pretending Bill Clinton will be happy to tend rose gardens and won’t be a ridiculously active member of a Hillary Clinton administration, has not physically touched another human being in over seven years as a result of obtaining a legally-binding 120 yard restraining order against “literally fucking everyone” during the 2008 Democratic Primary.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – likely owing to the noted vapidity of her audience at Cosmo, Filipovic’s shamefully fawning dissemination of Clinton campaign lies is neither clever, or subtle. Always prepared with a reactionary, poorly thought-out hot take in response to the slightest hint of criticism, Jill is most highly valued for her ability to shamelessly portray any opposition to Hillary Clinton whatsoever as part of a relentless war on all women as a whole. The only thing keeping Filipovic from scoring a perfect ten here is her notable work in the field of embarrassing dipshit men’s right activists and right wing media drones.
Wanted: to pass off Democratic Party & State Department propaganda as wonky “opinion based” journalism.
Crimes: acting like a walking/talking advertisement from the goddamn J. Crew catalogue, openly lying for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, actively smearing Democratic Primary candidate Bernie Sanders on behalf of establishment Democrats and Hillary Clinton, doubling-down on actively smearing Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders on behalf of establishment Democrats and Hillary Clinton even after he’d already been caught doing so, to this day refusing to apologize for smearing Sanders on either occasion despite overwhelming evidence that he was either wrong or lying, dressing up like the older/balder version of Carlton fucking Banks, repeatedly quote tweeting the same openly biased articles with slightly different teasers over and over again for fucking days on end, projecting false neutrality while openly shilling for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, repeatedly tweeting catch phrases and buzzwords in the most deliberately insipid attempt to appear fresh and relevant on the entire Twitter network, working for a morally bankrupt lobbying firm that knowingly lied to sell the Iraq war to the American public, those goddamn seven dollar Coke bottle-bottom glasses, repeatedly attempting to pass off triple exclamation marks and down-market emoji as relevant mutherfucking social media content, accusing anyone who opposes Democratic Party policies of racism, accusing anyone who objects to Hillary Clinton’s obvious criminality of sexism, trying to front some kinda “Brother Mouzone” thing without being anywhere nearly fucking badass enough to pull that shit off, drawing false comparisons between anyone who opposes Hillary Clinton and bloviating assclown Donald Trump, drawing false comparison between anyone who opposes Hillary Clinton and alt-right neonazi cyber-jackoffs, message crafting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, retweeting other disingenuous “opinion” journalists who message craft for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, having the goddamn fucking audacity to suggest AM Joy represents “factual” programing in any given bloody way, looking like the ugly nerd in a Key and Peele sketch, seriously believing that the phrase “don’t boo, fret and bed-wet” represents some sort of deeply persuasive argument to anyone who hasn’t had a full frontal fucking lobotomy, extensive and gleefully hippie punching in the service of Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, extensive and gleefully red-bating McCarthyism in the service of Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, pretending that literally everything the Democratic Party does wrong is Vladimir Putin’s fault, being the only Saint Benedict’s Prep alumnus in existence that I’m 100% sure I could beat at virtually any fucking form of basketball, part of a longstanding secret plot with CNN’s Don Lemon to kill and replace the Gumble brothers as a preeminent force in the lucrative world of sports broadcasting.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – let’s review: smarmy, faux-hip Twitter feed that’s equal parts advertising and douchebag ad hominem attacks against anyone who opposes his chosen candidate? Check. Long and dark history of doing objectively immoral goddamn things in support of power? Check. Pointless retweeting and emoji posts just to maintain a consistent presence as a “thought influencer” on the internet? Check. And just what the fuck is up with Capehart tweeting about women’s shoes? Have I mentioned that this dipshit actually married an assistant protocol chief at the State Department who worked for both Hillary Clinton’s 2008 campaign and the Clinton Foundation yet? Of fucking course Capehart is a ten folks – my only regret is I’m not allowed to give out an eleven here!
Wanted: primarily for thought crimes and propagandizing against the proletariat.
Crimes: blaming Bernie Sanders supporters for his fading grasp on relevance, blaming political correctness for his fading grasp on relevance, writing about the Charlie Hedbo massacre as a cover for his desire to bitch about political correctness, repeatedly supporting the myth that Socialism equals Marxism which equals Stalinism, arguing with fake Marxists on the internet and retweeting his “pwns” for attention, repeatedly shilling for Hillary Clinton, repeatedly attacking Clinton’s opponents with made up straw man arguments, serving up easy kill after easy kill to Weird Twitter and not even having the decency to realize he’s been fucking murdered countless times over, blaming left wing activists for the continued violence of Trump supporters and fascists, promoting other writers shilling for Hillary Clinton, promoting other writers who repeatedly attack Clinton’s opponents with made up straw man arguments, actively and vociferously supporting the Iraq war, actively and vociferously supporting other American Imperialist military adventures, attempting to sell the fact that he can’t assemble an outfit worth more than six dollars as a sign of his connection with the common man, using his objectively terrifying giant cranium to bludgeon a small child to death over a shiny quarter in the middle of the sidewalk – thereby proving once and for all that Capitalism is inevitable.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – if we were only talking about his shilling for Clinton this rating would probably be somewhere around six; Chait however, is that special kind of zombified media toady who actively attempts to undermine people talking about class struggle and will openly lie about socialism to maintain his advantages within the system. In other words, Chait isn’t even being paid to be a boot-licking, disingenuous propagandist; he just knows which side his bread is fucking buttered on and he’s happy to dance on command for his corporate masters.
Wanted: for passing off excessive use of the retweet button as a social media account.
Crimes: ridiculously goddamn obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, habitually retweeting other writers who are engaging in ridiculously obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, editing and defending a hit piece on Dr. Cornell West despite being demonstrably unworthy of carrying West’s groceries to the parking lot as an intellectual, attempting to bring back the hideous earth tone suit, message framing for Hillary Clinton, repeatedly attacking Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, habitually retweeting other writers who are attacking Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, being from Cleveland and not having the goddamn decency to fucking stay there, inaccurately and dishonestly framing all of Hillary Clinton’s opponents as racists, inaccurately and dishonestly framing all of Hillary Clinton’s opponents as sexist, stealing Fat Albert’s fucking haircut, exaggerating and spreading the myth of Bernie Bros, projecting false neutrality while repeatedly message crafting for Hillary Clinton, being a pretty obnoxious and smarmy neoliberal fuckstick in general, arguing that not being allowed to vote is not voter suppression, literally calling someone a white supremacist on camera because they felt a questionable protest was directed against the wrong political candidate, once lost a hand of Baccarat to Jeet Heer in the New Republic lunchroom and was subsequently banished to a hellish netherworld known as MTV News; from which he can only communicate by retweeting the thoughts of other fraudulent media personalities.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – like Marcotte & Krugman, Smith manages to offset some of his odious mendacity by genuinely promoting African American rights issues and scoring the periodic flawless victory against neanderthal conservative dirtbags. Despite this, Jamil is a mutherfucking volume offender in the war to smear anyone who may oppose Empress Clinton’s quest for the Iron Throne – often combining retweets and pithy one line “insights” into a staggering mountain of bullshit message crafting about any one subject over the course of a given day.
Wanted: by greedy corporate media organizations looking to front a left-wing image.
Crimes: openly and obviously shilling for Hillary Clinton, pretending that Bill Clinton somehow won’t be the second most powerful person in a Hillary Clinton administration, being so fundamentally unscrupulous that even her fucking hairline is trying to escape the fuming waves of bullshit that come out of her mouth, pretending that anyone who doesn’t support Hillary Clinton is a misogynist, pretending that anyone who doesn’t support Clinton is racist, strongly implying that anyone who runs for office against Hillary Clinton is both a misogynist and a racist, erasing people of color by claiming everyone who opposes Hillary Clinton is white, open hypocrisy, exaggerating and spreading the myth of Bernie Bros, purposely starting shit with supporters of Hillary Clinton’s opponents online and then crying abuse when they respond, repeatedly defending a corrupt and morally goddamn bankrupt Democratic Party, arguing that not being allowed to vote is not voter suppression, attacking Hillary Clinton’s opponents for daring to try and beat her in an election, secretly leading a violent cult of American soccer moms who kidnap and sacrifice teen owners of Run the Jewels as part of a dark pact with Satan to preserve the Clinton Reich for a thousand years.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – it was tremendously difficult not to award a perfect ten to the woman who pissed minority Sanders supporters off so badly that they created the hashtag #BernieMadeMeWhite as a hilarious form of protest. Despite this, Walsh is a passionate supporter of feminists causes I happen to agree with and she spends just enough time promoting them online to keep herself out of the seventh ring of corrupt media hell. Regardless, Walsh remains a boot-licking toady whose open favoritism and hypocrisy in the service of Clinton for eight long years will likely garner her unprecedented future access to America’s first android President.
Wanted: not unless someone finds the bodies.
Crimes: popularizing attack haiku among self-important aging liberal assclowns, repeatedly and openly shilling for Hillary Clinton, message crafting for Hillary Clinton, stealing the good Doctor Thompson’s image despite being a milquetoast neoliberal shitheel that Hunter would skullfuck faster than you can say “Ed Muskie is addicted to Ibogaine,” repeatedly attacking Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, repeatedly attacking the supporters of Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, shaving what would otherwise be a goddamn magnificent unibrow, exhibiting a bizarre obsession with the term hipster, exhibiting overwhelming signs that he believes the term hipster means anyone under the age of forty who does not agree with him, vastly overestimating his own wit and intelligence, arguing that not being allowed to vote is not voter suppression, repeatedly stating that anyone who doesn’t agree with him lacks a grip on reality, looking like the motherfucking oilcan in a Vladimir Klitschko fight, looking like the goon on a terrible factory league hockey team, looking like all of the objectively ugly parts of Bruce Willis’s face reassembled onto a notably misshapen cranium, shitting all over a hard-earned legacy as an independent journalist to openly shill for Hillary Clinton, arguing into the internet void with supporters of Hillary Clinton’s opponents who may not even fucking exist, one half of a savage bi-coastal serial killer bromance with Senator Ted Cruz as loosely depicted in the film Kiss the Girls and indisputably proven by the unfeeling dead look in his murderous eyes whenever he stares into a camera.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – one of the most heartbreaking casualties of the 2016 Democratic Primary has been Josh Marshall’s integrity. At one time Marshall was a fiercely independent muckraker with the ability to make power tremble before his mighty assault of truth. This of course only makes it all the more pathetic to see the hollow, sold-out, babbling shell he is today as he spits out Clinton campaign talking points with all the charm of a gorilla suffering from dysentery. Like the centrist, neoliberal version of Scott Adams, it’s best now to use Marshall as a cautionary tale about what happens when your goddamn brand matters more to you than your mutherfucking conscience.
Crimes: ridiculously goddamn obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, openly supporting other “journalists” engaged in ridiculous goddamn obvious shilling for Hillary Clinton, continuing to dress like an extra from A Different World in 2016, seriously attempting to use the George W Bush administration as a barometer for what is and isn’t ethical behavior, message crafting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, openly lying for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, repeatedly getting destroyed by Glenn Greenwald on Twitter, attempting and failing to discredit Wikileaks, blaming documents incriminating to the Democratic Party on nefarious Russian hackers, accusing anyone who mentions authenticated leaks of working for Vladimir Putin, risking World War Three to protect a corrupt presidential candidate and a corrupt political party, making Fox News right about liberal media, accusing anyone who criticizes the Democratic Party of being a racist, accusing anyone who criticizes Hillary Clinton of being a misogynist, exaggerating and spreading the myth of Bernie Bros, accusing anyone who questions the conflicts of interest involved in the Clinton Foundation of literally murdering AIDS victims, leaving the goddamn house in that shirt, actively working in the media to diffuse a pay for play scandal on behalf of the Clinton campaign, almost certainly masterminded the December 8th, 1980 assassination of Beatles legend John Lennon as part of a larger plot to punish white, socialist dudebros for minimizing gender dynamics in a multicultural but still fundamentally capitalist society.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – aww fuck it; I was going to try and be nice here but the who the fuck am I kidding? Joy-Ann Reid isn’t even a fucking journalist; she’s a vacuous, talking-head propagandist who has given herself over wholly to the Democratic Party – body, mind and soul. When Joy starts speaking, up becomes down, black is white and pigs can literally fucking fly if that’s what it takes to justify the latest round of absurd corruption, deception and malfeasance by the Obama (and soon to be Clinton) government. She habitually steals the language of the abused and powerless for no other purpose than supporting centrist, Democratic Party power and thereby debases and devalues important discussions about race, class and gender in our society. She is the literal embodiment of every single ignorant Fox News smear about liberal media you never believed could possibly be true; like a centrist William F Buckley in a dress, Reid says things on television too dishonest for even Ali Hassan al-Majid to repeat.
Wanted: to spin conspiracy theories for a magazine that hasn’t been relevant since Hitchens died.
Crimes: objectively proving that having even a remote connection to reality is not a requirement to work in mainstream media, repeatedly lying to his followers about who he voted for in past elections and often in direct contradiction with his previous statements, openly lying for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, spinning conspiracy theories based on dubious “intelligence sources” for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, trying to start a catastrophic war with Russia by spreading conspiracy theories for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, repeatedly accusing anyone who calls him out on his ridiculously obvious bullshit fueled by anonymous sources of spreading conspiracy theories, actively red-baiting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, vociferously supporting other disingenuous hacks who are actively red-baiting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, looking remarkably like an interstellar cockroach wearing an ill-fitting Danny DeVito suit, pretending he threatened to punch a random fan at the airport despite looking remarkably like an interstellar cockroach wearing an ill-fitting Danny DeVito suit, luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, hiding behind his religion and desire to help victims as justification for luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, hiding behind suspiciously convenient epileptic memory loss to excuse multiple lies he told investigators about luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, making up a story about Donald Trump being institutionalized in 1990 whole cloth and later being forced to retract that story, purposely misinterpreting a mistake by a 29 year old editor at a tiny online magazine as evidence of a massive conspiracy between Russia and the Trump campaign to interfere with the US election, alternately threatening and bribing that same editor when confronted with evidence that his Russia/Trump theory was bullshit, repeatedly lecturing Twitter followers on the importance of staying connected to reality despite constantly being forced to retract stories because he’s literally full of shit, repeatedly claiming that FBI Director James Comey was trying to influence the 2016 Presidential Election against Hillary Clinton with literally no evidence to support this claim, claiming that the Russian government was controlling Donald Trump with a porn tape made by the FSB on one of Trump’s visits to Moscow with literally no evidence to support this claim, once lost a battle of wits to the death with the Dread Pirate Roberts after he consumed a cup of wine laced with Australian iocane powder – thus resulting in Eichenwald joining the ranks of the walking dead; as evidenced by his pasty, ghoulish complexion and shuffling, unbalanced gait.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – look, if this rating were a measure of “dudes I wouldn’t let anywhere near my fucking kids” then Eichenwald would rate a solid “stay the fuck back, creep.” As it stands however, Eichenwald’s brand of conspiracy drivel and neoliberal myth-making really only works on extremely stupid, utterly partisan Democrat drones and mainstream liberal sycophants; unfortunately there just happens to be a lot of them. Although Kurt’s ability to crowd the tabloid shelves at the supermarket with centrist, neoliberal propaganda tailored towards the kind of voter who believes Mission Impossible was a documentary is invaluable to the complicit, mainstream media machine; there are other “journalists” on the Wall of Shame who make stronger, more lucid and ultimately more effective arguments in the service of evil – and thus, Kurt only rates an eight; despite being quite possibly out of his fucking mind in a very literal sense.
Crimes: actively promoting herself as a vital part of “the resistance” despite being more like a faux-woke soccer mom who’s got her tongue so far up the Democratic establishment’s ass she can taste Pepsodent, attempting to pass off an endless stream of retweets and statements like “so agree” and “read this” as a social media presence, running a magazine called Mother Jones while objectively hating homeless people, running a magazine called Mother Jones while objectively hating actual leftists, running a magazine called Mother Jones while objectively hating millennials, gleeful and vociferous hippie-punching, making me log out of Twitter to compile this list because she blocked me for calling out her attempts to smear actual leftists, representing almost everything that’s wrong with narcissistic privileged White Feminism in 2016, running a magazine named after a celebrated labor activist despite failing to pay at least one writer for his work, repeatedly fawning over nightmare neocon Republicans despite running a magazine named after a celebrated left wing labor activist, attempting to start a war with Russia by spreading CIA propaganda because she isn’t happy with the results of the 2016 election, attempting to start a war with Russia by spreading State Department propaganda because she isn’t happy with the results of the 2016 election, retweeting literally anyone who’s trying to start a war with Russia by spreading CIA & State Department propaganda because they aren’t happy with the results of the 2016 election, repeatedly using her 8 year old son as prop to voice her own political opinions by lying about the things the poor brat says on a semi-regular basis and thereby popularizing the “woke toddler” joke on Twitter, blaming Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election loss on sexism, blaming Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election loss on racism, blaming Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election loss on the real American left, blaming Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election loss on literally anyone or anything but Clinton, retweeting anyone who’s prepared to blame Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss on anyone or anything but Clinton, stealing her hairstyle from the god fucking awful 1999 teen romantic comedy “She’s All That” and apparently refusing to change it for the last seventeen years, editing a purportedly left-wing magazine that referred to noted white nationalist Richard Spencer as “dapper” in a Twitter teaser, engaging in an ongoing online feud with writers at The Intercept despite being demonstrably inferior as a journalist to said writers in every single way imaginable, engaging in an ongoing online feud with writers at The Nation despite being demonstrably inferior as a journalist to said writers in every single way imaginable, accusing anyone who disagrees with her recent CIA prompted batshittery of supporting Vladimir Putin, secretly leading a splinter cell of Joan Walsh cultists dedicated to the violent ritual assassination of every single member of Chapo Trap House and Susan Sarandon – who she actively blames for the fall of the Clinton family’s Thirty-Year Reich.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – in many ways, Clara Jeffery is like a broke woman’s Joan Walsh; she brings all the same dishonesty, conspiratorial ravings and rigid adherence to neoliberal identity politics that purposely ignores class, but with a minuscule fraction of the media gravitas and overall intelligence displayed by Walsh. Despite her largely mediocre mind however, Jeffery still manages to rack up an impressive goddamn collaborator rating on sheer volume alone; like a lawn sprinkler hooked up to a septic tank – once Jeffrey starts firing off trash-fire tweets; it’s only a matter of time before everyone in the immediate area is covered in pure, unadulterated bullshit.
Wanted: if Cohen’s tweets are to be trusted, one woman has spawned with him; possibly even willingly!
Crimes: being literally the exact kind of neoliberal shit-weasel they breed in foundation labs and use to populate daytime cable television shows about politics, being a grown-assed man who still goes by the name speech boy, repeatedly and openly shilling for Hillary Clinton, repeatedly and openly message crafting for Hillary Clinton, being one of the many, dipshit white liberals with very strong and vaguely racist opinions about professional football star Richard Sherman’s behavior, repeatedly attacking Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, repeatedly attacking the supporters of Clinton’s opponents with straw man arguments, writing the exact same article demanding Bernie Sanders drop out of the Democratic Party nomination race once every month without fail for the past three months and counting, looking like someone literally glued fucking pubic hairs on to a Dilbert cartoon and called it a goatee, being the only mutherfucking member of the John Kerry fan club who’s last name isn’t Kerry, telling me on Primary night that kids in Michigan didn’t vote for Bernie Sanders because they were mad about the loss of manufacturing jobs: reminder – I’m fucking from Michigan, passing off pithy one liners that aren’t even remotely fucking funny as political analysis, being so far up the Obama administration’s asshole he actually fucking compared David Petraeus blabbing state secrets to his spy girlfriend with Edward Snowden revealing the true depth of the NSA surveillance on it’s own citizens, having the mutherfucking nerve to have a hero like Snowden’s name in his masshole fucking mouth, being so desperate for human contact he reposts both compliments and hate mail he receives on an almost daily basis, was once forced to kill and eat a young neocon from the Cato Institute while accidentally trapped deep behind enemy lines for weeks during the Second Great Foundation War of 2013.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – the only goddamn thing preventing Cohen from racking up a perfect ten here is the fact that his earnest (albeit largely pathetic) defense of neoliberalism seems to come from some modicum of genuine belief. Unfortunately, the fact that Speech Boy couldn’t write his way out of a wet paper bag prevents him from getting any credit whatsoever from his not even remotely funny “burns” against dipshit Republicans. What remains, is one of the finest examples of a boot-licking, establishment worshiping, shithead Hillary Man the internet has to offer – and I was dead serious about that “Dilbert character with pubic hair glued to his face” thing too folks.
Wanted: I’m sure she so very desperately hopes so.
Crimes: sweet mother of god, where do I start – declaring literally everything opponents of Hillary Clinton say or even gesture to be part of an unending war on women, pretending anyone running against Hillary Clinton is by virtue of doing so committing a crime against women, projecting false neutrality while repeatedly message crafting for Hillary Clinton, erasing people of color by claiming everyone who opposes Hillary Clinton is white, erasing women by claiming everyone who opposes Hillary Clinton is male, being exceptionally dishonest and disturbingly self absorbed, exaggerating and spreading the myth of Bernie Bros, being the bargain brand Jill Filipovic, being essentially everything that’s wrong with millennial narcissistic privileged White Feminism, straight fucking jacking Lisa Loeb’s fashion sense at least an entire goddamn decade after it was cool, conjuring up fake stories about Sanders supporters that further her preconstructed narrative about anyone who opposes Hillary Clinton being a boorish white duebro who should be shot, crying like a small child about the unfairness of social media when she was repeatedly called out for making up fake stories about Bernie Sanders supporters that further said narrative, outright lying for Hillary Clinton, arguing into the internet void with supporters of Hillary Clinton’s opponents who may not even fucking exist, arguing that not being allowed to vote is not voter suppression, confusing angsty emo garbage tweets for being politically engaged, purposely starting shit with supporters of Hillary Clinton’s opponents online and then crying abuse when they respond, pretending to be the “hip” neoliberal as if such a goddamn thing could exist, has been permanently banned from all New York society parties after maiming Lena Dunham with a champagne glass during a heated argument about the subtle feminist connections between Macklemore & Margaret Thatcher.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – are you kidding me? Have you fucking read anything Doyle has ever written? Her entire worldview and sense of self revolves around the coming union of neoliberalism and privileged white feminism she expects a Clinton presidency to bring. She’s so far in the goddamn tank that she’ll need to be put on suicide watch for a month afterwards if it somehow doesn’t happen! Sady is what you call a mutherfucking “raging fundamentalist” my friends; which is a good thing for Doyle because she sure as fuck wasn’t going to write her way to the top.
Wanted: by neither Republicans or liberals.
Crimes: being an insufferable duplicitous douchebag, repeatedly proselytizing about the living conditions of poor people despite being a noxious trust fund baby, pretending to be a Republican while shilling for Hillary Clinton on the sly, smearing Clinton’s opponents with made up straw man arguments, attacking Hillary Clinton’s opponents by lying to defame their supporters, openly supporting elitism, openly declaring that elites are literally fucking better human beings than the average person, taking every single opportunity available to humble brag about his unearned wealth and station in life, repeatedly pretending that being a wealthy gay man in New York qualifies him to speak for vast swaths of the entire country, repeatedly pretending anyone but Josh Barro gives a flying fuck what Josh Barro thinks about literally fucking anything, dressing like an Amway sales partner despite his vast wealth, bragging about living in West Chealsea while simultaneously pretending to be an actual fucking New Yorker, actively refusing to acknowledge his Dendropithecus parental heritage despite possessing an objectively goddamn massive supraorbital ridge.
Collaborator Rating: 9/10 – look, we’re talking about a sniveling dipshit who proudly calls himself both a Republican and a neoliberal here, it doesn’t exactly take a team of trained fucking monkeys working around the clock to figure out that Barro is a collaborator; after all, he’s one of the rich pricks who stands to benefit most from everything staying exactly like it is now. The only thing keeping this mutherfucker from a straight up perfect score is the fact that literally nobody takes this pinhead seriously.
Wanted: primary by white racists who watch Fox Sports.
Crimes: being a self important bloviating moron who really should stick to sports, selling his soul to racist white people, repeatedly besmirching the good name of Ralph Wiley by reminding people he was Whitlock’s mentor at every available opportunity, ruining “Black Grantland” with his own massive ego, inserting inspirational quotes by himself into internal memos for his subordinates, eating literally all of the mutherfucking pies, being the real life version of Uncle Ruckus, being the not-rapey version of Bill Cosby, repeatedly defending professional athletes who’ve committed domestic violence, repeatedly besmirching and denigrating young black men and thereby supporting the blatant racism of his primarily white audience, blaming literally everyone but Trump and Trump voters for the rise of Donald Trump, repeatedly attacking the Black Lives Matter organization for both angering white people and not doing enough to help black people, stealing Spike Lee’s wardrobe despite the fact that it objectively looks fucking terrible on a lard-ass like Whitlock, briefly attempting to re-popularize the Trilby by perching one atop his bowling ball shaped cranium, repeatedly bragging about a longstanding feud with Deadspin that he lost in every single goddamn way imaginable, pretending that running a fucking blog on Tumblr isn’t a massive demotion from his former position at ESPN, pretending that Fox Sports keeps him around for any reason besides the need for a African American face and replacing Clay Travis when he’s too drunk to work, accuses people who don’t have a disturbing obsession with tabloid reporter Shaun King of having a small mind, once ate fifty hard-boiled eggs as part of a bet and has been unable to shit out of any orifice but his mouth since.
Collaborator Rating: 10/10 – there is honestly a very small part of me that feels bad for Whitlock, who at one time was a reasonably honest if still incredibly shitty reporter. Unfortunately that part is quickly shouted down by the parts of me that realize Jason Whitlock purposely denigrates young African Americans for personal profit every single mutherfucking day he walks this earth – with virtually no care that he’s putting black lives in danger and helping provide cover for every fucking racist in the entire country. Oh and he doesn’t give a shit about domestic violence or sexual assault against women so long as the high profile athletes he dances for get to keep playing fucking games either. Classy dude.
Wanted: by indiscriminate women with an eye for a solid credit rating.
Crimes: being literally that fucking guy, being openly sexist, being openly misogynistic, being a thinly-veiled racist, including rape jokes in his book, repeatedly bragging about the women he fucks on the road, repeatedly mentioning his massive wealth as a defense for every ignorant thing he does, writing a column sympathizing with a rapist who helped sexually assault an unconscious woman, promoting a sexist column entitled “How to Land a Husband at the Masters,” being Walmart Skip Bayless, being bizarrely obsessed with the behavior of left-leaning college students despite being a grown ass 37 year old man, stealing Kyle Orton’s look and somehow pulling it off worse than the objectively slovenly Orton himself, being bizarrely obsessed with the Black Lives Matter movement despite being neither black nor thinking that lives besides his own matter, openly defending known racist and former LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, gleefully reveling in the fact that pissing rational people off makes him rich, claiming to care about neither politics or race but publicly writing about both politics and race constantly, being too cheap to buy some goddamn pimple cream despite his vast hordes of ill-gotten wealth, reminding every single person who meets him precisely why General Sherman should have turned the fuck around and marched back with more torches, using the phrase PC Bros without even a mutherfucking hint of irony on more than one occasion, pretending that professional athlete Cam Newton wouldn’t beat him to an unrecognizable bleeding pulp if it wouldn’t cost him his NFL career to do so, has almost certainly fucked a cow draped in a confederate flag while completely shitfaced on corn mash whiskey at least twice in his life to date.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – frankly there’s really not a whole lot of difference between Travis and Whitlock; indeed Jason is undoubtedly the more erudite of this less than dynamic duo. What really costs Clay here however, is that being an obnoxious white mutherfucker from Tennessee pretty much auto disqualifies you from getting any bonus points for being a shameless, disgusting racist. Travis has to claw his way to eight points based entirely on his sexism, ludicrously dishonest reporting and the fact that he’s basically a misogynist troll born a decade too late to hang out on 4 Chan with gamergate online terrorists.
2017 New Year’s Update: