Editor’s Note: let me open by saying that this was certainly not the first post-election piece I intended to release, nor did I originally mean to wait until so long after the election to post it. The entire country has exploded into madness recently and I’ve found myself caught like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi as I watched it all unfold. Truthfully, I have a lot to say about why the Democratic Party lost the election, why said Party seemingly has learned precisely nothing from this experience and why yes, Trump is appointing an actual fucking white nationalist government. We’re well past hyperbole at this moment and these are indeed the quiet days before what I believe may be the darkest storm to batter the United States in it’s history; this is real and like many of you, I am quite frightened about what happens next.
With this understanding then, I ask that you please forgive both my absence and the fact that this article is not going to be about what nationalism is, why we have to fight it and how to properly do so without falling into the clutches of neoliberal dickbags who brought us here in the first place. In all the chaos and after days of staring at snippets of essays I can’t stay focused long enough to complete; it finally dawned on me last night – I have not laughed much since this election and I realized that what I needed more than anything else was to have a tiny bit of fun again.
So, today, I present to you the Wall of Shame induction of Newsweek’s Kurt Eichenwald; a man so incomprehensibly dishonest and disturbingly unhinged he’s been (rightfully) described by one of my Twitter followers as “the centrist/neoliberal answer to Alex Jones.” Truthfully, Eichenwald has deserved a spot on the Wall of Shame for a very long time but dark aspects of his past and his highly unethical behavior have caused me to shy away from writing about him here on this site until now. For more information on why even thinking about Kurt Eichenwald makes we want to toss my fucking cookies, please check out our recent Info Meme “Why Does Kurt Eichenwald Have A Job?”
Wanted: to spin conspiracy theories for a magazine that hasn’t been relevant since Hitchens died.
Crimes: objectively proving that having even a remote connection to reality is not a requirement to work in mainstream media, repeatedly lying to his followers about who he voted for in past elections and often in direct contradiction with his previous statements, openly lying for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, spinning conspiracy theories based on dubious “intelligence sources” for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, trying to start a catastrophic war with Russia by spreading conspiracy theories for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, repeatedly accusing anyone who calls him out on his ridiculously obvious bullshit fueled by anonymous sources of spreading conspiracy theories, actively red-baiting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, vociferously supporting other disingenuous hacks who are actively red-baiting for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party, looking remarkably like an interstellar cockroach wearing an ill-fitting Danny DeVito suit, pretending he threatened to punch a random fan at the airport despite looking remarkably like an interstellar cockroach wearing an ill-fitting Danny DeVito suit, luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, hiding behind his religion and desire to help victims as justification for luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, hiding behind suspiciously convenient epileptic memory loss to excuse multiple lies he told investigators about luring an eighteen year old underage camboy out of quasi-retirement with cash and administrating his child pornography site – for a story, making up a story about Donald Trump being institutionalized in 1990 whole cloth and later being forced to retract that story, purposely misinterpreting a mistake by a 29 year old editor at a tiny online magazine as evidence of a massive conspiracy between Russia and the Trump campaign to interfere with the US election, alternately threatening and bribing that same editor when confronted with evidence that his Russia/Trump theory was bullshit, repeatedly lecturing Twitter followers on the importance of staying connected to reality despite constantly being forced to retract stories because he’s literally full of shit, repeatedly claiming that FBI Director James Comey was trying to influence the 2016 Presidential Election against Hillary Clinton with literally no evidence to support this claim, claiming that the Russian government was controlling Donald Trump with a porn tape made by the FSB on one of Trump’s visits to Moscow with literally no evidence to support this claim, once lost a battle of wits to the death with the Dread Pirate Roberts after he consumed a cup of wine laced with Australian iocane powder – thus resulting in Eichenwald joining the ranks of the walking dead; as evidenced by his pasty, ghoulish complexion and shuffling, unbalanced gait.
Collaborator Rating: 8/10 – look, if this rating were a measure of “dudes I wouldn’t let anywhere near my fucking kids” then Eichenwald would rate a solid “stay the fuck back, creep.” As it stands however, Eichenwald’s brand of conspiracy drivel and neoliberal myth-making really only works on extremely stupid, utterly partisan Democrat drones and mainstream liberal sycophants; unfortunately there just happens to be a lot of them. Although Kurt’s ability to crowd the tabloid shelves at the supermarket with centrist, neoliberal propaganda tailored towards the kind of voter who believes Mission Impossible was a documentary is invaluable to the complicit, mainstream media machine; there are other “journalists” on the Wall of Shame who make stronger, more lucid and ultimately more effective arguments in the service of evil – and thus, Kurt only rates an eight; despite being quite possibly out of his fucking mind in a very literal sense.
Bonus: while compiling the tweets for Kurt Eichenwald’s official Wall of Shame entry, it quickly became apparent that Kurt’s Twitter account would produce far, far more hilariously absurd material than I had room for in one Wall of Shame post. I am however loathe to throw such utterly fantastic and delightfully batshit material in the wastebasket; so please allow me to present a bonus sheet of glorious Eichenwald batshittery that will appear only in this article and not on the Wall of Shame itself:
- Nina Illingworth
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